Discussion on "Descent" by SS

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Discussion on "Descent" by SS

Postby Happy » Mon Feb 11, 2008 2:39 am

Ok, starting a discussion on this for all you bastards out there :P That and he entrusted me with the task of doing so :P

SS was kidding last night when he told me this story was gonna be epic, but I think he's gonna be right. Seems really good so far. I'm liking what I'm reading. The beginning reminded me of Gundam 00 (for those who have seen it, all the factions split among the different nations.) Keep it up SS, looks good so far :D
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Postby ReaperKing » Mon Feb 11, 2008 6:11 pm

I haven't read a whole lot yet, seeing that it would take me a half-hour to read it all in one sitting, but so far so good. Me likey! :D

Happy wrote:you bastards


I am hurt. Lol.
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Why correct others when you can't correct yourself? Your only a coward looking at his reflection.

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Postby Lord Vega » Mon Feb 11, 2008 7:26 pm

Minor nitpicks and general comments:

1) Just some random grammatical quirks here and there. Example? Your first semicolon doesn't have a lead-in after it (as in: however, or alternately, or...etc)
2) Armored Cores not being capitalized makes the AC moniker incorrect. It'd be like saying NB for notebook. It isn't necessary unless you capitalize.
3) Ezekyle Loken? What the hell? =p
4) The words "macabre dance of death" amused me. Danse Macabre much?
5) Your parantheticals about the team names completely jolt the narrative and basically ruin the momentum, fyi. It feels like you really get into it, and then you're just getting the extra info out of the way before you continue, but in doing so, it keeps you from staying knee deep in it.
6) Same thing with the affiliates thing. Both times you mentioned that, it was redundant, since the readers can figure it out well enough, and it jars the narrative, especially using it twice.

Good story, lot of potential. Will read.
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Postby ClefJ » Mon Feb 11, 2008 8:12 pm

I was actually very impressed with this! ^^ I had looked forward to it since you piloted the idea to me that you were gonna get to it. And I've been left wanting more, I say. It was good enough that I didn't really care to nitpick about any grammatical errors (as a nazi though I might be on occasion. :wink: )... Wish I had the chance to play AC4's story mode. Surprisingly a good long read, SS, and an excellent first installment.
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Postby The Errant » Mon Feb 11, 2008 8:24 pm

Lord Vega wrote:Minor nitpicks and general comments:

1) Just some random grammatical quirks here and there. Example? Your first semicolon doesn't have a lead-in after it (as in: however, or alternately, or...etc)
2) Armored Cores not being capitalized makes the AC moniker incorrect. It'd be like saying NB for notebook. It isn't necessary unless you capitalize.
3) Ezekyle Loken? What the hell? =p
4) The words "macabre dance of death" amused me. Danse Macabre much?
5) Your parantheticals about the team names completely jolt the narrative and basically ruin the momentum, fyi. It feels like you really get into it, and then you're just getting the extra info out of the way before you continue, but in doing so, it keeps you from staying knee deep in it.
6) Same thing with the affiliates thing. Both times you mentioned that, it was redundant, since the readers can figure it out well enough, and it jars the narrative, especially using it twice.

Good story, lot of potential. Will read.


Many thanks for an objective review. If that's all the English major could find wrong with it, I consider that a success. :D

1) Much appreciated, will try to work on that but I tend to just let it slide if it sounds alright and / or is coherent and intelligible.

2) So then I guess abbreviating television into TV is wrong eh? Oh well, if it is I don't mind, I'll continue as I have been.

3) :( I liked it...

4) Dunno what Danse Macabre is, but yeah, perhaps macabre wasn't the best adjective to use there. I think I just wanted an excuse to use macabre. :P

5) Yeah, I can't argue with that. I felt it was necessary but that's partly due to some issues with the chapter ahead, and partly because I just don't have the writing skills to make it flow more smoothly. I tried to avoid it somewhat by introducing them as they were called into action, but I did sorta throw them all too close together. Oh wells, perhaps I'll do better next time.

6) Yeah...

Once again, thank you so much for giving something constructive, something I can use. So then I can assume you like it, good good. :)
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Postby ReaperKing » Mon Feb 11, 2008 8:37 pm

Lord Vega wrote:Minor nitpicks and general comments:

1) Just some random grammatical quirks here and there. Example? Your first semicolon doesn't have a lead-in after it (as in: however, or alternately, or...etc)
2) Armored Cores not being capitalized makes the AC moniker incorrect. It'd be like saying NB for notebook. It isn't necessary unless you capitalize.
3) Ezekyle Loken? What the hell? =p
4) The words "macabre dance of death" amused me. Danse Macabre much?
5) Your parantheticals about the team names completely jolt the narrative and basically ruin the momentum, fyi. It feels like you really get into it, and then you're just getting the extra info out of the way before you continue, but in doing so, it keeps you from staying knee deep in it.
6) Same thing with the affiliates thing. Both times you mentioned that, it was redundant, since the readers can figure it out well enough, and it jars the narrative, especially using it twice.

Good story, lot of potential. Will read.


Wow. I thought I could be over analytical... (no insult intended).
"You're a fine warrior. Call me sentimental, but I wish we'd met under different circumstances."

"I am only one; but still I am one. i can't do everything, but I can still do something; I will not refuse to do something I think I can do."

Why correct others when you can't correct yourself? Your only a coward looking at his reflection.

"People are bastards. Bastard covered bastards with bastard filling."

Remember Reach!
Reach Fell: 9/14/10
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Postby Hated Aries » Mon Feb 11, 2008 8:47 pm

Shadowspear wrote:I just wanted an excuse to use macabre. :P[/color]


Don't we all? Aaaaanyways, I'll get to reading it sooner or later :D
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Postby Lord Vega » Mon Feb 11, 2008 11:30 pm

ReaperKing wrote:Wow. I thought I could be over analytical... (no insult intended).


Become an English major or just take a few second and third level English courses at a university. You will be amazed at how this kind of analysis flies out of your mouth/hands (since I'm typing...) without any effort at all.

Plus, when you write your own stuff (and yes, SS, I will write an AC4 fic...dunno about before midterms, and I also have two papers to edit, so it's awkward), you get the added bonus of being able to critique your own work and fix it on a purely technical basis.

EDIT: oh yeah. Danse Macabre, or "Dance of Death", is a famous painting that was, IIRC, done during the time of Black Plague or Spanish Inquisition. I forget which. Anyway, it showcases a bunch of skeletons dancing around a dying man. Or something. It's been a while.
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Postby Dirktjc » Tue Feb 12, 2008 11:04 am

(walks in and looks around bleary eyed)

This place...the one with the stories yes? ...I feel as if I've been here before...


MY GOD it's about time you posted something you wrote, Confed! I've only read like a page so far but it seems like you put a lot of thought into it. I'll try to make time to finish it up sometime today. 8)
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Postby ReaperKing » Tue Feb 12, 2008 7:36 pm

Dirktjc wrote:(walks in and looks around bleary eyed)

This place...the one with the stories yes? ...I feel as if I've been here before...


MY GOD it's about time you posted something you wrote, Confed! I've only read like a page so far but it seems like you put a lot of thought into it. I'll try to make time to finish it up sometime today. 8)


Lol
"You're a fine warrior. Call me sentimental, but I wish we'd met under different circumstances."

"I am only one; but still I am one. i can't do everything, but I can still do something; I will not refuse to do something I think I can do."

Why correct others when you can't correct yourself? Your only a coward looking at his reflection.

"People are bastards. Bastard covered bastards with bastard filling."

Remember Reach!
Reach Fell: 9/14/10
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Postby Laguna » Tue Mar 18, 2008 3:35 pm

ReaperKing wrote:
Happy wrote:you bastards


I am hurt. Lol.


And therefore I am too :(

Yep, SS, keep writting!
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